Not Fuckin' Cool, Man.

nnnNNNNOOOOOOOooooooooo.........

This is proof that the mustache is dying--or rather society is killing the mustache. This is also proof that this facial hairism must be stopped! The mustache has friends who cry, "Do not go softly into that good night, mustache! You've also got some chicken stuck up there. No, the other side. There. Ya got it!"

Danecek and I worked at a Snyder Drug in high school [Editor's Note: We came up with the idea for Clerks long before we ever discovered Smith's hack job]. We'd stand in the Household Cleaners isle, just-a-beholdin' Brawny Man, his magnificence. I'd say, "Man, that 'stache is... It's magnificent!" Danecek would point at him after much thought and say, "That dude is tough." Hours would pass. Floors went unmopped. We took our inferiority frustrations out on hapless teddy bears in the alley out back. We made weapons from mop handles, shelf dividers, and discontinued garden claws. We rent many bears.

The moral? If we had been able to grow confident, magnificent mustaches like 'Stached Brawny Man, maybe we would have mopped with more conviction. Furthermore, without a proper Brawny Man to make young men feel inferior, the teddy bear population will go unchecked. Three words: Feral Teddy Bears. Is Georgia-Pacific prepared to deal with Feral Teddy Bears? I researched. Nowhere in GP's "Corporate Social Responsibility Report" do they mention any sort of F.T.B. Emergency Protocol. "Environmental protection is the responsibility of all Georgia-Pacific employees"--my fuckin' eye.

College has given me the skillz to grow a proper beard, which is like the mustache's over-weight step brother. If brown is the new black, the beard is the new mustache. But it has been said that beardos are just too lazy to shave, and that beardos are "too timid for the awesomeness of mustaches"--you know who you are. Not cool, man. We beardos have inherited the great responsibility of easing young men into their obligation to wear some sort of facial hair. This responsibility used to belong to mustachioed men but now, it seems, it is ours: The Bearded Man's Burden. Young men aren't always aware of what hair prowess their faces possess. How are they to be sure without testing the field? Let them grow beards until they decide what to do with their glory. Let them be brave and grow a beard. Perhaps in time they'll accept their genetic predisposition to wear the 'stache.

In the meantime, we beardos are a strong movement and loathe the persecution of our brothers, step or otherwise. As a concerned beardo, I'm grateful for organizations like The Beta Male (BM: It's a Movement) and The Benevolent Order of Mustachioed Men (B.O.M.M.) whose dedication to the preservation of the endangered mustache will not, like their own raging mustaches, be shaved.

I call for an immediate, indefinite ban of all Brawny products until they bring back the 'stache. In fact, that should be our message; in sloppy scribbles on tag board signs, ready for picketing: "Bring Back the 'Stache!"

Instead of a mustache, we now have this:

"That's triple-action performace. That's Brawny." That sucks.

[Editor's Note: Natalie discovered that this commercial is much better when you turn off the monitor and just listen to it. You do it.]


Mace...out