I Get Mean When Blogger is Jerk-Offy.

I wanted to post Part One of the Boner Bus Midwest Tour but, as Machine Gun said it best, Blogger is being Jerk-Offy. It won't let me upload any pics of surpassing quality due, I'm guessing, to how badass awesome cool they are. Either that, or their megabytes are too big for Blogger's pants. That's probably it, since I was allowed to upload pics that are less bulging in the storage area. Until Blogger gets its shit together, keep an eye on BZ's Natro n00dz, for he has had some success uploading some of our pics. Most of the pics I had planned on using were taken by him anyway. And they all look like this. Notice the shoes. Yes. Do you feel it? Mhmm. Another New Shoe Post looms.

For now, it appears that the flood gates are open:

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Let's talk about air conditioning. Don't even bother trying to stay cool, dear solitary reader, unless you have this cherry model:

It's OK; the jealousy you're experiencing is only natural. Some aspects of this fine instrument are beyond even my comprehension. For instance, the faces of most air conditioners I've ever come across usually fit snuggly over the unit's body. This air conditioner, however, seems to employ some kind of technology that defies popular, hasty assumptions. In the following picture, notice the curious gap between body and face.

There! I don't know why there's a gap, but I'm confident that some new devilry is afoot, some revolutionary technology! All my feeble brain can assume is that this gap allows air to enter into the body so it doesn't overheat. Indeed, this air conditioner itself is so advanced, it itself has an air conditioner... for itself!


INT. PDQ CONVENIENCE STORE
It's like when I was a kid and had holes in my jeans, and some GROWNED-UP would take note of my holey jeans.

GROWNED UP

Hey, kid. What's with them
holes in your jeans?

And I as Kid would beam with pride at the upcoming cleverness, the witty metaphor no growned-up could ever predict!

ME AS KID
It's air conditioning!

The whole contraption must be of alien design, or made by an advanced, ancient civilization like the Mayans or The Smurfs. I'd tell you the make and model of this stunning appliance, but few if any markings remain on this husk. Case and point: Mystery Buttons!

I wonder what function is now missing along with its dial. Perhaps it was a dial that helped its clueless user understand how and when to use this rondo among air conditioners. I would guess that any user who is unfamiliar with this advanced technology could simply apply common air conditioner protocol. Ahh, the point!

Air Conditioner Rules for Idiots, Morons, and Greater Dumbasses:

Do not turn on air conditioner (commonly referred to as an AC) in any of the following circumstances:

!) If it's not hot outside.

@) If there are windows wide fucking open in both bedrooms.

#) If the AC is a piece of shit--regardless of how advanced the Mayan/Smurf technology.

$) If you aren't even in the goddamned apartment while it's !) not hot outside, @) the windows are wide the fuck open, and #) if the AC's a piece of shit.

%) If especially circumstance $).


I am not a frugal man. There are plenty of things on which I "waste" my money. But I've always lived by the rule that if I'm enjoying what I'm "wasting" my money on, then I'm not being wasteful. So there's "wasting," actual wasting (like strip clubs and church offerings), and weaving a cherry bomb's wick out of a twenty dollar bill. Poor AC protocol is somewhere between strip clubs, church, and twenty dollar bill cherry bombs.

It's getting hot in here, but no AC will hold the heat of hell from reaching me.

Mace...out