Lotioning and "Tucking" in Class

[Editor's note: This post has been revised into an open letter to my student who I (playfully) embarrassed in class today:]

I apologize for embarrassing you in class, Erin. Your phone rang, a sassy salsa ring, not unlike BatManuel's from The Tick.

It rang during in-class work time so it wasn't a big deal to begin with. Also, your blood-rushed cheeks expressed the perfect amount of embarrassment. I've heard horror stories from other teachers about their students handling phone calls with far less class and humility, actually answering the phone and having a conversation, the teacher glaring but unsure whether to be angry or amazed.

The salsa jig and your obvious embarrassment were too much to ignore; I had to have fun with it. You did answer the phone, but I could tell you did it just to stop the ringing and to tell the caller you'd call back later. But I couldn't resist mocking shock and injustice that you answered. Then I said, "It hangs up the phone or else it gets the hose again," which resulted in a round of uneasy I-can't-believe-he-just-said-that-in-class laughter. You all knew the reference--The Silence of the Lambs, of course--or at least you knew it from The Family Guy, from an episode in which Stewie says the real line: "It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again." Besides, the line and scene have become pop culture trivia.

I [heart] Bill.

Then I remembered the song "Lotion" by The Greenskeepers which was written about the movie; and since I'm an attention whore, I began to sing it. Of course, none of you understood that reference. So I told you all about the song and the video and promptly supplied a link for it on The Mothership Connection.

I remember the day that Poats came home to our Lavish Atwood estate at The Quads. Sire an Canham followed close behind, singing the song. They hastened me to a computer (which wasn't far since I lived with three Computer Science majors) and fired up the video. My favorite things about it is how well the lyrics match up with the scene and, of course, the money shot at the end: The Tuck.

Anyway.

Again, I apologize, Erin. You didn't deserve my singing.

Wow. What a great open letter. From The Tick to The Tuck.

Mace... out

Badger! Badger! Badger! Badger!

Mahshroom! Mahshroom!

I watched the Badgers tonight--not the above ones but the ones that roam the rolling hills and cheesing gullies of Wisconsin.

Yes, the type that glares and struts. I'd glare too if I had to play an entire game plus two and half full-length overtime periods--for the uninitiated n00bz, that's 110 minutes of hockey. That's intense in ten cities. That's not just sudden-death overtime; overdeath doesn't even cut it; that's über overdeath. At least they won.

I fell in love with three men tonight--you know, in that man-crush sort of way:

One) Robbie Earl. Sixth-round pick for the Toronto Maple Leafs (187th overall). He played so hard that by the third overdeath period, his legs would cramp up to the point that he'd have to crawl back to the bench. Once he was helped over the boards by his teammates, he'd sit behind the bench, kneeling on his haunches in order to stretch out the cramps until his next shift. Out he'd hobble; play 'til he once again left everything on the ice; hobble back; repeat. That's heart. I wonder how many of the fallen Toronto Maple Leafs were watching this game tonight, watching their future Leaf, Robbie Earl. How did this guy get overlooked for five rounds in the draft?

Two) Brian Elliot - Ninth-round pick for the Ottawa Senators (291st overall). Not only was Elliot the winning goalie tonight, he posted a shutout. Not only that, he played over eleven perfect periods of playoff hockey spanning over the 5+ periods of tonight's game and the two previous games. Drafting this guy in the ninth round is like finding a first edition of LotR at Half-Priced Books.

Three) Jack Skille - Seventh overall pick in 2005 for the Chicago Blackhawks. Scouting got this one right. Skille's 5th overdeath period goal released the tension tonight--literally: A replay shot from the Cornell bench showed several Cornell Big Red players quite literally deflate. It looked like the Cornell jerseys faded a few hues of red. Exhausted and defeated, a couple collapsed to the floor of the bench, on which the entire team had been sweating, spitting, and snot-rocketing for 110 game-minutes.

Since there will be no Gophers in the Final Four this year, I think it's safe to cheer on another member of Rodenia.

Go Badgers! Badgers! Badgers! Badgers! Badgers! Badgers! Badgers! Badgers! Mahshroom! Mahshroom!

The Hell is Wrong With Me?

Yesterday, for the first time in...geez, maybe ever, I actually missed working at Jake's Stadium Pizza. I was putting clothes away and saw my bazillion, neglected Jake's shirts hanging there--in a color-coordinated spectrum, of course. It's been about a month since the last time I worked a shift; but upon seeing the shirts, I was rushed by an olfactory wave of char and raw sausage.

Now, normally I miss the great peeps workin' at Jake's. Here's a short list in unprioritized order: Scotty "Mobile Mannor" Feit, Schmitzurugi, Son-Son GZA-mon, Inferior-Link-Kevin--even Idiot High School Girl who one day contimplated the pepper balls in a slice of salami and asked, "Is this where pepper comes from?" and another day asked, "Did cavemen really exist or were they like the dinosaurs?" She deserves her own entire post. But not today.

I always miss these people, but yesterday I missed the shit storm work. Sweat mixing with scalding pizza grease, flour-dusted spectacles, pepperoni char, and hands endlessly smelling of sausage. I missed the Jake's I know which is bascially the exact opposite of this picture:

I work in twenty minutes for the first time in a month--in fact, I'll probably be late because of this post. Let's see whether I miss Jake's after a normal Shit Storm Sunday.

Mace...out

Hack the Gibson!

The old saying goes, "Ya learn something new everyday." Today I learned that all you need to disrupt the Space-Time Continuum is a Super Scope, a couple deflector shields, and a bushel of turnips.

Ya see, I was poking around on Google today looking for Smash Brothers videos--as I think we all do sometimes. I thought I had learned everything there is to know about SB, but it continues to educate. I came across a vid that shows how to create what people are calling "The Blackhole Glitch." SB is so freakin' cool, it disrupts the STC. Is there anything SB can't do?

Mace... out

So Many Topics

One) Darkon

Props to DP Wieland--which is the best future-author name ever, and who is one of my favorite scrappy defensive-offensemen PK specialists on the Minneapolis Swine Hockey Club (MSHC)--props to D for the heads up on what surely will sweep this year's Oscars in all documentary categories. All I have to say is "Lightning Bolt! Lightning Bolt!" These fuckers truly know how to roll... twenties.


Two) Hinoi

Props to Zinnfondle for the heads up on these pretty Japanese girls and their prettier Japanese fire-breathing wrestler. I dare you to resist the urge to learn those complex arm... movements; I dare you to resist singing along: "Night ahv Fylu!"


Three) Late Night Office Fun

Sal messaged me at 11:30 pm. She was sad because she thought I was out at the bars with everyone else in the world--or at least everyone in our department. But, in fact, I was grading in the office. She didn't ask for proof, but I supplied it anyway.

Then I decided to go back to grading papers until security kicked me out--which normally would have happened at midnight. But they never showed. Here's more proof.



Four) Garmz - Black & White 2

Fuck. Yes.

As if B&W1 didn't accomplish enough, B&W2 is even better. Well, I'm guessing it is. I haven't exactly played it yet.

In B&W1, of course, you play as a god--good or evil, whatever you want. You gain belief/influence over mortals by manifesting miracles. For instance, you can save drowning children if you're a good god. The villagers rejoice and praise you. Or, if you decide to go evil, instead of saving a drowning child, toss one out to sea. You'd still gain belief/influence since eville miracles like those cause mortals to praise you out of fear. My kind of game.

As cool it is to play God, you get to take care of an avatar too! Avatars steal the show in B&W1. It's surprisingly fun to play fetch with them, scratch their bellies when they're nice to a peasant, slap them around when they "accidentally" eat one, and teach them new tricks that help spread your godly influence with the mortals. Your avatar, as well as the temple at which peasants worship you, is a reflection of your alignment, either good or evil. An avatar of a good god glows with a sparkling aura while an evil avatar's eyes blaze and its footprints scorch the land.

In B&W2, though, avartars are all growed up. Your avatar leads an army of believers into battle against enemy avatars and their heathen non-believer armies. I better type some of those words again: Avatar... leads army... into battle... enemy avatar... heathen non-believer armies...

"Well, those castle walls sure are thick and tall. I wonder how I'll break th--SIEGE COW!!1"

Peter Molyneux will you marry me? Type "wOOt" in a comment if yes.

Mace...out

Another Co-Author Post!

Naughtilie and I were wondering if we have taken a billion bites out of a single food, any food--even cornanas.


We mean, a billion is a lot--like, a lot. We agrued if it was even possible:

INT. TA Office, AH210

Naughtilie and Mace swivel in office chairs.

NAUGHTILIE
Well if you think about it, tee-hee-hee,
you prob'ly take about 20 bites per meal.
And three meals a day, that's about 60--

MACE
(Raises fist)
No! No! No! Because, like, do chews count
as bites?!

NAUGHTILIE
What about cats? If cats ate the same food
their entire lives--

MACE
They DO eat the same food their entire lives!

Doesn't "Fatboy" look happy eating the same food his entire life?

Mace and Naught...out (tee-hee-hee)

Co-Author Tuesday...

Again.

Robert Wrigley is the avatar of August Strindberg.

Apparently, Strindberg + Helium was picked up by Comedy Central. So some of the vids have been blocked on the main S+H site. Stupid popularity. We want our Helium back.

That is all. There is nothing more--nothing... in my bleeding heart.

BLEEEEEEDIIIINNNNG!

Mace + Naughtilie...out

What-Huh?

You do want to make it to the playoffs?

2g, 1a. What a man.

I'd Pay For Her Dry Cleaning Any Day

Big ups to MacMike for the heads up on the Portman short done in Lazy Sunday style.

Googlemaps is the best.
True dat--Double true.

Wait a second... is SNL funny again?

What a Weak/Week

I don't know why I got out of bed.

Fuck You, Comps.

Left hand this time. This one, too, looks awkward and freakish.

Notice the Max Payne mousepad. That's how I roll, with akimbo Mac10s in bullet time.

Mace...out of patience for Comps

No, Let Us Not Duel.

After several hours and metaphors through Hoagland, Donkey Gospel, and Dacy, The Deathbed Playboy, I got to take a break to wash a hundred dishes, make some dinner (mostaccioli with Italian Sausage & Garlic sauce and a Sam), and catch up on some Adult Swim.

You ask, "Why wasn't I watching English Premiere League Futbol like usual?" Because today I cut back our cable plan to save some ching. Don't you hate it when seven months ago you signed up for a super cheap, super kickass dual deal with 3bit cable internet + more movie and sports channels (Fox Soccer Channel) than you know what to do with? And then after five months the deal expires, and you forget to change it, so you're still stuck with the same package, which now is far from super cheap? Yeah I hate that too.

Without Liverpool v. Arsenal to watch anymore--I was watching the game while talking to the Charter CS guy, and he switched it off right before my eyes without a chance to say goodbye--without the EPL, I had to search for a few new channels to watch. My channels will once again be Cartoon Network and G4 plus, of course, OLN and FSN when the Wild are on.

Tonight, while masticating my mostaccioli, I caught up on some Aqau Teen Hunger Force and X-Play (Morgan = Love) and all was once again futbol-less. After ATHF, Samurai Champloo came on. I have an extensive history with anime. Much of my high school experience was spent watching Akira... 150 times. That's an estimate, not an exaggeration.


I bought a new vid every weekend during the height of my anime days. Sun Coast Video was my whiskey, and I've had a few. I can't remember exactly what combination of high school things eventually killed off my anime days. It was probably a combination of music, girls, and Quake 2.

Since then, I had one person to rely on for my connection to Asian entertainment, the stringed tin cans between me and Asia: Patrick. At some point during our much missed time in our much much much missed apartment in Southridge, Patrick had me watch Samurai Champloo--seriously, "had me watch" is the right way to say it. He more or less sat me down like he was pappa and he needed to tell his boner-in-sweatpants son about the birds-n-the-beez, only instead, he puts on Samurai Champloo.

Where to start? Shinichiro Watanabe (of Cowboy Bebop and The Animatrix fame) directs. Nujabes lends his DJ ear and style. This is one of the best, one of my favorite anime series. It's highly stylized, clever, and has as good of animation as I've ever seen, except maybe Steamboy--which, coincidentally, was directed by Katsuhiro Otomo of Akira fame.

SC is Samurai meets break dancing meets DJs meets capoeira.

It's been pretty clear for awhile that Japanime is taking over American "cartoon" styliez--'bout fucking time, if you ask me. But America actually had no style to take over. I mean, I'll always love G.I. Joe and Thundercats probably more than the next guy--probably more than I should--but there is no style in that animation. But now it does! I'm glad to see animation taking off over here, but--BUT... We're going too crazy.

Just because it's anime, doesn't mean it's good anime.

Half the shit they play on CN is junk the Japs didn't want. And once we overlay our goofy, American oaf voices--forgetaboutit.

Ya know that Yu-Gi-Oh show you've been watching?
It sucks. It's about cards.

Ya know Inuyasha? It sucks. The guy has a mullet and animal ears. This shit is borderline furrypr0n.

Ya know the newest Dragon Ball Z series? I don't know if there is one--but if there is, it sucks too.

Entertainment is not two clay-haired muscular dudes who are in a perpetual pre-fight state. They swear they're about to fight, but they never do. They just stand there, dialoguing, with quaking eyes and clenched fists--sometimes glowing. Sometimes they don't face each other; other times they float and talk. Then some crazy little dude with a tail shows up and says something that's supposed to be funny, but it's not because it doesn't translate well. A huge sweat drop appears on his head and the episode's over. The next-time-on-DBZ clip promises that they'll actually fight. Maybe. And who would want a shitty fan base that draws pictures like this? In short, DBZ can Goku straight to hell.

This is what we should be going crazy about: swords

Not cards.

That's a fucking card game. N.W.O.A. (Not Worthy of Animation). And don't tell me it's meant for kids. Look at that cardhall whore. She's not meant for kids. I know the Japanese are advanced--I mean they make square fucking watermellons--but their kids aren't having sex with busty blondes with an oral fixation and a fetish for gloved dudes who play the right card... at the right time.

No, let us not duel.

Let us rejoice, eat pasta, and watch Samurai Champloo.

Tricksy Bloggitses!

You might notice that I changed the background of my blog. I like the baby-blueness; it goes well with my browns. And blocks of text are just something some of us like to look at.

Anyhoo, I didn't think it was possible to change the template (aside from [Sausage] links and such) since every Blogger.com blog I've ever seen was one of the very few, stark templates. Or I just haven't been paying close attention.

BZ discovered a way to dress these n00dz up with just a little bit of HTML trickery. If you're daring, go for it. I swore a lot as I tried it, messed things up, then got things back to normal enough to tweak just a little bit. So, attempt your own peril:
_

Mace,
I was stubborn and wouldn't let it go, and lo and behold I found a way to add an image (like wood paneling) to the blog background. Who said this is wasting time? I was screwing around with the template of my blog and figured this out:

Go to template / edit current / body / background:

replace "background:#xxx"
with "background:url("xxx")"

Check out my blog now for an example.

Here is a site with some great wood paneling and other textures.
_

BZ also found this site that has some more. They aren't as magnificent as Mayang's, but those folks caps the number of times their textures are downloaded from them each day--as in, each time someone visits your blog, the person's machine dls the image. And Mayang caps at 20/day, which is lame.

The second site doesn't cap. So use them or any other of the many texture sites out there--or do as BZ suggested to me: DL Mayang's images, create a fake blog post (saved as a draft) and link to that URL in your template.

Have fun, but beware the bizarre world of HTML.

Mace...out

Now that the NHL is Back...

...say hello once again to the Wild while they say goodbye to the playoffs.