An Open Letter to the 813 People Who've Viewed My Profile

Dear The 813 People Who've Viewed My Profile,

Ahh... Hey there! So like, how's it goin'? Oh? Fascinating. Hey, I love pickles too. Hmm. Umm, can I ask you something, 813? Who the hell are you? Yeah you, all 813 of you. I mean, I probably know, say, 21 of you--and that's a generous guestimation of people I know at all. Where did you come from?

I can only remember one random commenter in the entire year of this blog's existence. One. His name was Daniel B. and he liked bikes.

I know because clearly that's a bike helmet in his avatar pic, and those are fancy biking glasses, and that's a fancy bike shirt, and his blog's name was bike-something-lame-or-something.blogspot.com. All this, I'm sure, to prove that he liked bikes. Daniel B. might have asked a stupid question--who hasn't seen Ghost in the Shell, Daniel B.? To anyone who actually read that post, it would be clear that I had seen GINS, even though I didn't outright say it--but at least he asked something. The rest of you 791-ish have been as quiet as poop-looming White Castle farts--and possibly as dangerous, but I don't know since you haven't uttered a peep (or a poop).

Where are you now, Daniel B.? I can only assume you're biking somewhere. Where are the rest of you? I don't want to assume anything, and you probably don't want me assuming anything either. I'd probably make up something you wouldn't appreciate. But you're aware of what I'm capable of since you been to my blog, at least long enough to view my profile. Furthermore, you're so aware that what you saw scared you (or bored you) so much that you didn't bother commenting. Bless Daniel B.'s brave heart for his random comment, four and a half months ago. I mean that's so long ago that I was using Courier! As for the rest of the unaccounted for, you're a mystery.

Or maybe not. Maybe you're like that glitch in Superman 3 and later in Office Space, like some sort of spambot that's making someone rich by viewing random profiles. No one suspects the harmless spambot, right? Or maybe that's the kind of idea that scares away random passersby. But it certainly would explain Daniel B.'s 2,647 profile hits. Fuck, Dan, 2,647? I'm at 813 and you only have a month on me. Yet another mystery.

I wish more of you randoms would leave comments like Brave Danny B. did. Then it wouldn't feel like there were so many people secretly laughing at me. And plus, if more of you left comments, then I could devote creepy posts like this to you! But I guess you randoms don't have to comment; it's nice just to see a stat go up.

Take care, 813 People Who've Viewed My Profile. And thanks for stopping by long enough for me to alienate you.

Mace...out and biking with Daniel B.